Bev Churchill, KC

These are all words used to describe a relationship in transition or change.

I have been practising family law since 1986.  I have worked with hundreds, perhaps thousands of clients. My goal is always to assist, guide and lead each client (and the couple for my mediation clients) to make the choices that will lead to the absolute best arrangements for the entire family.

The vast majority of my clients are parents with children.  As a result, the impact of the transition is not only for the parents. It impacts their children, of any age, too. We expect to observe impacts on minor children, but relationship breakdowns impact adult children and their children as well.

It is also important to know that it is not only the immediate family of parent and parent and parent and child that is affected. There are extended family relationships that are also affected.  The relationships between each child and each grandparent, each child and each aunt and uncle and between each adult and each mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother and sister-in-law.  Separation and divorce affects the entire extended family.  It is not simply the adults that transition during this time of change, it is the entire family; immediate and extended.

Family relationships are extremely important and can be very sensitive. The adults see their relationship as ending.  Sometimes this is true, but where children are involved, a separation and divorce, it is not ending.  The relationship will exist forever!

Because their relationship will likely continue forever, there are important questions that need to be considered.  Questions, such as “How do we want our children to describe the our separated relationship?”; “Can our children be in the same room with us without feeling uncomfortable?”; “Will our children need to make a choice as to which parent they will spend time at Christmas or other special holiday?”; “Can we, as separated parents, attend special events for our children such as high school graduations, weddings, the birth of grandchildren, and share in the moment or do we need to have our children make up a schedule of who attends when and what?” These are some of the questions that are not always fully considered.  They need to be! These are long term questions that can be overlooked when the focus is short term.

There is, of course, the relationship between each parent and each child.  The child’s perspective on the separation of their family is not always fully considered by the parents or by others involved in assisting the family during this transition.  It is not that the adults don’t consider their children.  They, of course, love their children and want what is best for their children but, for most couples, this is their first separation and it is a significant event.  They do not necessarily know what to do, what to say, or how to behave in terms of the spouse.  In other words, they have questions, need assistance and guidance to make plans for this transition for their family, and the way that this transition will work for their family.

Over the years, I have also noticed that a lot of individuals are affected by what they see on television and in the movies which affects the way they think about lawyers and the way that lawyers represent clients.  I suppose that should not be surprising.  We are all influenced by the media. However, lawyers are just people.  All people are different.  Television and movies do not necessarily portray the way all lawyers practice law and, certainly do not portray the way I practice family law. Far from it!

I have a lot of clients who comment to me “it must be emotionally difficult to practice family law”, “how do you keep your work life separate from your home life?”, “you must see a lot of sad situations, isn’t it hard not to have those situations affect your own family life?”.

The reality is that we are all affected by our experiences in our lives.  Those experiences make us who we are.  We learn from those experiences.  As we live through events, whether in our own lives or in the lives of those around us, those events become experiences, and during these events, we have choices to make.  We can make choices that have as positive an impact on us and those around us as we can, or we can make choices that are not so positive and may be downright negative and detrimental.  To me, that is the key, and is something that we all need continually strive to attain!

Okay, I have rambled on for a while now, but what I am trying to say is that I have seen and been through a lot with many clients over many years.   I think I have seen just about everything.  Nothing really surprises me anymore, and what I have learned, so far, is that:

1. There is almost always a way of looking on the positive side of a situation, although sometimes it is hard to find,

2. Individuals, if they really think about this stage of their life, would want the transition to occur as positively and smoothly as possibly, and

3. Individuals going through a separation and divorce are looking for guidance and assistance to help them through this transition.

I want to assist and guide my clients to make this transition in their family relationships as positive as possible.  This is not to say that this experience is easy. It is not easy.  It cannot be easy, as we are dealing with important, sensitive relationships that are going through transition.  In my mind, it requires an approach that is selected to appreciate the important and sensitive nature of each relationship within the family.

There are several approaches I encourage clients to consider to resolve the issues in their separation and divorce.  These include the following:

1. Mediation Process
2. Collaborative Process
3. Negotiations