Bev Churchill, KC

Negotiation is a large part of my family law practice. The beginning of my work with my client is gaining an understanding of my client, their partner (as they see and experience their partner), and each of their children. It is discovering what is important to the client for themselves, for their children, for their family? What are things they may not be considering at this time in their separation process that they wish they had considered but are so caught up in the emotion of their separation that it is not available to them.

A family law practice is an interesting, challenging and creative process. It is changeable as the needs and priority of an individual evolve and develop. It is often about a journey for the client who may be working for a third party such as a counselor or religious advisor for a period of time to reconcile themselves within their current family challenges.

There is no one size fits all. Choosing the process to work towards a separation and divorce takes time to obtain information, to think and process that information. The selection of a process to work towards a resolution is very important. There are process options and finding what is right for the client is critical. It can make a huge difference for the children and for the family. Children and family must be considered.

It is worth saying that typically when a couple separate, there are so many feelings each spouse is going through. It can be very different to manage all those feelings let alone trying to make important decisions about one’s future, their children and their family. Ideally, the couple is able have conversations about process options and how they wish to move forward.

I’m here to help you ‘do separation better’.

 

Children

The process of separation and divorce is a very difficult time for a family, particularly for children.  Children are not the ones who choose for their parents to separate. Further, when their parents are unable to work together in a co-parenting relationship and are in conflict, especially high conflict, the impacts for and on children long lasting.

In fact, separation, divorce and conflict, particularly, high conflict, are considered an “ACE”. That is, an Adverse Childhood Experience*. An “ACE” is an event (or events) that occurs during childhood that impacts the child on a long-term basis. These impacts are unique to each child, of course, as each child is unique. An ACE puts a child in higher risk for depression, anxiety, self-harm, academic issues, promiscuity, drugs and alcohol abuse and addiction, relationship problems, divorce, aggression and violence, increased heart disease, and on and on… One may see these impacts on a child through their behaviour - externalized or internalized.

 

When conflict is not handled well by the parents, it is destructive for a child. The ACE Study says it is a “wound” that when not handled well will become toxic.  The unpredictability for a child can lead to a “fear” reaction. The child goes into “survival mode” where their brain is “triggered” by a perceived risk. Their body releases cortisol as the amygdala is activated as a response to the trigger and the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) is not engaged. The child cannot self-regulate when there is too much stress in their world because their cortisol levels are off balance. Believe it or not, for the child’s brain, unresolved or continual or frequent conflict changes the child’s brain. This conflict changes to brain’s development and functioning.

 

However, there is hope! The hope lands squarely on the parents and how they choose to handle their separation and divorce. All does not have to be lost. When parents choose to work towards minimizing their disagreements and try to avoid their disagreements escalating to disputes, then conflict and then high conflict by managing and containment of the conflict, it is constructive, not destructive. When disagreements are handled well, it can be a learning experience or teachable moment for a child. In other words, if the “wound” – the separation and divorce are handled well, children adjust, heal and can thrive. Parental behaviour is critical to a child’s development.

 

Information Sheet – Conflict and Its Impact on Children